Forgiveness is a Matter of Honor II - Part 2

Forgiveness: Conciliatory Confrontation

by Gary L. Cox

(Matthew 18:15-20)

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.  But if he will not hear [thee, then] take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell [it] unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

The Nature of Confrontation is Conciliation

God personally draws you and I into His service so that we become active evangelists for His forgiveness. This is the Gospel. When someone sins against you, you have an account of sin to deal with in that person's life. Do not despise those who sin against you, rather, take their sin as an occasion for the ministry of reconciliation, because God sent his own Son for the purpose of saving the lost. Every occasion of sin brings an opportunity to minister the Gospel of reconciliation. (See 1Cor. 5:17--6:11.)  Now the question is, "how can we do this practically?" Matthew 18:15-20 gives explicit instructions on how to preach reconciliation through confrontation and forgiveness. 

Compare the somewhat similar passages of Matthew 18:15 and Luke 17:3-4.   [Brackets indicate Greek sense of text.]

Luke 17:3-4: 'Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass [sin] against thee, rebuke him [clearly charge him]; and if he repent [change his perception, or change his understanding], forgive him [let go of, or disregard his injury]. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.

Matt. 18:15: "Moreover if thy brother shall trespass [sin] against thee, go and tell him his fault [convince him of sin] between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee [take to heart, or hearken to what is said], thou hast gained thy brother [won your brother over from from evil to good]."

It is Gospel ministry to help bring a change of mind concerning sin to someone that has sinned against you. This is conversion, a change of mind about a matter. The believer is called to be an agent of reconciliation in every occasion when somebody sins against him.  This principle propels the believer into the ministry of reconciliation with those who are closest to him in daily life.

It is important to recognize that ministry is based on the value of one of God's little ones -- they are ones Christ came to seek and to save. Within the general communion of the church there are issues of relationship and sin which touch us very personally.  Our obligation is to deal with our sin against one another in such a way that we resolve every occasion of our own sin and conciliate every occasion of sin against us.

Exactly What Are You Trying To Resolve?

Matthew 18:15 requires you to clearly identify a sin that was committed against you. In order to really walk in a spirit of forgiveness, you must identify the sin to the person that has sinned against you. To confront properly, you must have already forgiven them, and already let go of the injury. But it is very important to understand that God requires you to confront the specific sin in order to get to the proper place of forgiveness. This is the only method for digging out the ugly root of bitterness that can later spring up and defile many. (See Hebrews. 12:4-17)

It is easy to mistakenly think that being forgiving is the primary objective. No, being forgiving is the context by which you prepare yourself for ministry. Forgiveness is nothing if it does not also put on the humble cloak of ministry to the one who has sinned against you. To identify what the sin is against you is an interesting exercise. This means you have to be able to identify a real transgression, trespass, or violation of your domain or authority.

Often we are easily offended, or emotionally disturbed that we didn't get treated the way we think we deserved, but there is no real offense. We are just jealous, bitter, envious, and full of all kinds of unresolved emotions. Here's the problem, and this is a frightening problem, you and I can accumulate years of unresolved issues of bitterness, of which we cannot even remember the actual transgression.

Sometimes the transgressions are real, but instead of loving conciliation, we think we can just forgive and "let it go". If you do not seek reconciliation for every specific sin, you have not obeyed the scripture. We are called to be agents of reconciliation. Seeking reconciliation enables you to become a preacher of the Gospel and a preacher of righteousness. And so it is important that you and I understand that we have to offer reconciliation in every transgression.

Preaching the Gospel becomes a very personal opportunity when you have been wronged. You are purified by this participation because you change your perception of what is really valuable. Never forget that another person's soul is of more value than any earthly loss that you suffer from their hand. The kingdom of God is built on forgiveness, not on resolute resistance to forgiveness, which is what bitterness brings you to.

There are four steps to preaching the Gospel through forgiveness.

Number one, clearly charge the one who sinned against you. This is liberating, but it is scary. Ministry means you have an obligation to the one who sinned against you, and this takes courage. It is a cowardly lie to tell a friend and not the one who did you wrong. If somebody has offended you, you are obligated to go and charge that person with the offense, being of a ready mind and heart to forgive.

There are two things that you must do. You must clearly identify the matter and you must go directly to the person and speak to them about it alone. These two matters alone can transform you from being a bitter person and equip you to preach the Gospel. Now think of it. Preaching the Gospel in its most simple sense is forgiving a temporal offense at a loss to yourself because of the eternal value of the offending soul.

Now it says, "Clearly charge", or to "Convince of sin". To convince of sin means to show another's fault, "Here is your fault, this is what you did ". How many people are walking around bitter and mad, jealous, name calling, devaluing,  their offenders, and they have never had the courage to say, "You sinned against me in such and such a fashion, but I am ready to forgive. In fact I've already already forgiven you."

A sinner's fault needs to be brought to his attention. This is where the ministry of reconciliation begins to flow. Clearly show a trespass. To be saved, a sinner needs the knowledge of his sin so that he might understand that he has need of the Savior. This is why you and I must clearly show fault. When you say, "This is what you did wrong", you are bringing an opportunity for that person to repent.

Now the second step is your brother being won over. He changes his perception and understanding and takes your rebuke to heart and listens to what you say: you've won your brother over. This is what conversion is. Here is the glory, as soon as someone recognizes their wrong, they also recognize their need to be forgiven, this is where the ministry of the Gospel instantaneously comes in.

It is important to recognize this aspect of conversion on two fronts. First of all, when you are bringing this ministry of reconciliation to anyone, it is under the shadow of The Cross. Your forgiveness is a prototype of the forgiveness offered to all by the Gospel. From this small prototype of forgiveness, you and I can bring the eternal hope of forgiveness by God for all sin. This makes your forgiveness an incredible occasion for sharing the Gospel. What missed opportunities there are when we fail to be personally walking in reconciliation.

Step three, forgive you brother. What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is really simple: it means to let go and disregard your own injury. Forgiveness is simply letting go of your rights in other's wrongs. Forgiveness is letting go absolutely and across the board. Remember, you begin by going in the spirit of forgiveness before you ever actually offer forgiveness. When you are walking in a spirit of forgiveness it is no longer about you or your rights. Today is the day of long-suffering, believers let go of faults for the sake of conversion and reconciliation. This is ministry: you personally forgive and suffer loss joyfully, and so you preach the Gospel by your forgiveness.

The fourth step is to repeat steps two and three, three more times. (This is really the third step if you do not win over your brother.) First you confront with two or more witnesses, then you bring the matter before selected representatives of the respective group (see Gr., ecclessia), and finally, you leave both the matter and your injury with God, allowing your brother to be left alone as a heathen. I choose to leave these three together as one step because it simply underscores the importance of trying again and again to win your brother. Each attempt increases the authority appealed to, whose help still promotes reconciliation. Our only goal is reconciliation and when we cannot reach that objective, we leave the case with God, and go on with life.

Start alone, yourself, and take responsibility and initiative to live in peace to the degree that it is within your jurisdiction. Matthew 18 is not "church discipline". It is not the collective church group bringing discipline, Matthew 18 is the individual taking responsibility to walk in the Gospel towards those who have transgressed, to those who have sinned against him. And so the offended party must take the initiative to restore relationship. If you and I are going to walk in Christ as believers, we need to stop hearing complaints until they have been through this attempt at reconciliation. When someone comes to us with a complaint that somebody else offended them, we need to say, "If you have a matter in which someone has wronged you, you are obligated to confront to that person and seek reconciliation". This is our holy obligation before God, end of discussion.

How to treat a "heathen and a publican".

Now, a comment about what it means to treat someone as a "heathen and a publican". Anyone who is a "heathen and a publican" is a candidate for the Gospel. Note that clearly. A "heathen and a publican" is someone who needs to be saved. What did Jesus Christ do? Well, He came to preach the Gospel to those who were lost. Jesus didn't come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance. And so, until the Lord returns, during this time of long-suffering and preaching the Gospel, there are people needing to be saved. Our ministry towards them ought to be such that we bring the offer of the forgiveness of God to them. Our attitude towards an "heathen and a publican" should always be, "this is one for whom Christ died. Our ministry must be to them in such a fashion that they might believe and be saved.

Evangelistic outreach is always a deliberate and very clear expression of ministry for a "heathen and a publican". For an individual, evangelism includes the expression of ministry in term's of someone's sin against you and your release of that debt as you seek to win them for Christ. Never allow yourself to become bitter against someone who wronged you. Instead keep yourself primed, through forgiveness, to release their debt owed to you and thus preach the free forgiveness of Christ. Finally, leave your injury with God.

The final instruction of Matt. 18:18 says to leave your injury with God and take no vengeance nor correct the matter further. Let God handle your situation when you fail to win your brother, God will judge rightly.

It is important to understand that the scripture says, 'I say unto you, whatsoever shall be bound in earth shall be bound in heaven and whatsoever shall be loosed in earth shall be loosed in heaven. And again I say unto you that if two of you shall agree on earth touching anything they shall ask shall be done to him by your father which is in heaven for if two or three are gathered together in your name, there am you in the midst of them'. When you are at the end of a matter pertaining to you and a sin against you, you release it to God. You do not release it to God casually or carelessly, you release it to God very specifically in prayer.

Here's the picture: two or more are gathered, these are two or more that were taking note, being witnesses to the utterance of every word being established in the confrontation. At the end, these folk bring the matter before God and say, "here it is God, we leave it in your hands".

What happens at this point? If the offender was never saved, he goes to hell and will spend eternity answering to God for that and other deeds. God will hold him accountable in the end. Surely, righteous judgment will happen. But if in the mercy of God he is saved, he will be forgiven.

Sin is not primarily against other people, it is primarily against God. What did the prodigal son say when he returned to his father? He said, "I have sinned against God and before you". It was the father that was wronged in our eyes but in spiritual reality, no, it was God whom was wronged. So all of our personal work of forgiveness is really preaching of the Gospel. And in the end, we allow things to stand unresolved before God and we let God be the judge.

Let go of your injury, let it go. If someone repents, if someone turns around on your rebuke, let go of your offense and win your brother. If someone refuses to hear you, let go of your offense before God and let God be the judge of your brother. Let go. On no occasion do you ever hold on to the debt incurred by another's offense. Let it go. The goal is to win your brother, not to get your wrong righted.

Forgiveness has no limits.

Forgiveness has no statute of limitation and no limit of how many times to forgive. There is no statue of limitations with God and so our obligation is to quickly go to our brother, and always be ready to forgive. Our spiritual life depends on our genuine participation in the reconciliation offer of forgiveness. It is time that we stopped feeling sorry for ourselves, it is time to walk in the power and the ministry of the Gospel by being agents of reconciliation. You and I, on behalf of God, in Christ beseech those in our lives that sin against us, we beg them in Christ's place, "Be ye reconciled to God". (2Cor. 5:20)